I'm missing Casey a lot tonight and I don't know why... I haven't really felt this severe about him in a while. I'd almost be willing to hop on the next plane to TX if my bank account allowed. I'm in a really odd mood today, I feel like it revolves around my relationships. I'm just not satisfied... not that I should be I'm just saying. Lol. It's not because of Jacob Black either... while it would be wonderful to find someone like him, I would be satisfied with a human =p I'm not sure what's wrong with me, I'm like sweating right now and it's 67 degrees in the house. Nothing satisfies me today. I eat but I'm still hungry and don't like what I ate, I got enough sleep but I've been tired all day, my body temperature is jumping around so I haven't been comfortable all day, I'm thinking of relationships and I'm not happy with any of them, nothing today is making me happy, I'm even having trouble finding music to enjoy. I'm so unhappy right this moment. This isn't normal, I've been so happy lately. I think I was happy because I was getting too comfortable with Khris again and now I'm begining to remember all the reasons that we couldn't last as we both are and reality is hitting me a bit hard right now. I just wish we could both change over night and get back to being together. Today I was going to text him and ask him to go to a movie this week but then I changed my mind because I really need to quit using him as a security blanket and actually consider that I might end up with someone else to spend my life with. It's just a wierd concept to think that I might not be with him, we're not officially together but we've never officially been completely broken up. Ugh, sometimes I just never want to date or be interested in anyone and other times I just want to be married and happy and other times I don't know what I want. I hate when I don't know what I want. I'd rather not have what I want and be dissapointed than not know what I want and just be confused. I hate confusion. I'm just in a wierd/excited about what could happen with anything/not happy that nothing I want to happen is happening/restless/unsatisfied/bad/nuetral/in need of someone so familiar like Casey for comfort kind of mood.

My Lord, Julay and I have been talking about Taurus' and how we just don't want to be emotionally involved with them at all... at all. So I was just a little curious because I realized I never really thought about Rocco's sign... well he's a Gemini. Wow, how could I have missed that. Re-reading the qualities and such of Gemini's completely smoothed out any questions I had left of why we just didn't work out. Sometimes I try to brush off the zodiac like it's just a bunch of bull but every time I check up on something it's always eerily accurate. Wow, I just needed to share that really quick. Water and Air! The zodiac's philosopher and the adolescent. What could come out of it? ... In most cases, nothing resisting. And that's how it played out too, we got no where. So um someone find me a Scorpio please...

Fuuuck, really... slurpees are like crack. I've been hopped up the past several hours and all the sudden I feel like I'm coming down and I'm not happy. I've been single for about 9 moths now, since like mid November. I've been totally cool with it but all the sudden since mid July it's been bugging me. Like tonight I went to Rumbass, had a blast and then I've been home for maybe 30 minutes now and all the sudden I'm not happy because while I do enjoy going out to the clubs and not having to worry about a man sittin at home or somethin I would actually like to have that guy so maybe we could stay in or he could come to the club with me. I'm kinda tired of all the freedom. I didn't really ask for the freedom but I'm happy that we're not together anymore, it was too stressful for both of us. He shouldn't have to stay with me if I didn't want to be with him, and besides Brittany and him are adorable, I'm glad they got together. Anyway, I've never really been about the "freedom" to do what I want, more like freedom from stress.  My situation at school is a little odd. Mainly because no one really knows how I am when I don't care and I don't feel like I have to hold back. That's the only drawback to my mother working there and it being a Christian university... Not that I really wile out or anything but I prefer living in a way that is not entirely in accordance with university policies and if I'm caught breaking those rules it's not like I'm just any other student that wouldn't draw any attention, everyone on staff knows me and knows my mother and my mother has an important position. I can't just be like oh well, I'll go to another school and brush it off. So yeah, even Becca hasn't seen how I get and she's been the closest friend I've had at PBA. Jaime! Sometimes I forget about him cause of Andre, but damn, Jaime... he's a fine piece =)  I don't forget because Andre overshadows Jaime, I forget because I know if Dre notices me going after J then my chances of being with him in the future go way down. That would be a major blow to his ego cause of the little unspoken competition those two have goin on. But as me and Dre get to know eachother more when we hang out and at work, the more I think we won't be compatible. He is so rigid and by the book/my way or the highway and I'm so I'll do it my way/be free/ya ain't got to be so uptight that I think we'd drive each other crazy. Who knows though, we'll see. I just don't know when we'll actually get together, his promotion threw a bit of a wrench into things. Jaime though, who knows what could happen there. Damn... Well I'm tired, I'm knockin out.

Life is fucking spiffy, no sarcasm, really it's awesome. It's looking like another great weekend already. Tomorrow I pick up my boss from the airport and then we're gonna grab some lunch. Me and my dad are gonna build a shelf/curtain rod/blinds thingy for my room. I got a lot of shit done today, I'm very proud of myself. I'm waiting on a lid for Rusty's tank, I ordered it through Amazon so it'll be a few days. I need to get him a heat lamp though, luckily I keep my room pretty warm anyway for Mia and M. Shadows so it's not like he's cold or anything. I decided to go with a heat lamp instead of a heating pad since he has a branch that he can bask on. Tomorrow morning I gotta wake up and get to doing laundry ASAP before I have to pick up Andre. Saturday I'm hoping our plans go through this time, me and a friend have been trying to get together but it hasn't been working out so far, so hoping for some better luck this weekend. Sunday who knows what's up, I think I have plans with Danielle but I can't remember. So that's all for this evening, good night all =)

Yeah, it did. Tonight I was going through my dad's laptop because he always takes a bunch of pictures at events and family gatherings but I never see the pictures... well, tonight I found probably the only existing evidence that mine and Rocco's relationship ever happened. I was quite content to know that there were no pictures of us anywhere but apparently I was mistaken. There were about ten pictures of me and him at my grandparents house when I took him to a little birthday party for my uncle Corky. Wow... anywho.

So I went to the hospital about two weeks ago, I'm out now, I'm fine I'm just trying to put weight back on.

I'm going to South Carolina in two weeks... you know, speaking of Rocco; I had planned to spend three months away from him when I planned this trip to SC... and that time away really didn't bother me. So yeah, SC, Virginia, Tennessee... all those places I'll be visiting for two weeks =)

Love interests remain at 0... up until this point I have been very intentional about that but I think I'm prepared to soften up a bit and see where things go when I'm not such an intolerable bitch and I'm not with a guy with a mental age of twelve as I was in my last relationship.

Work, I need a second job... any suggestions? My boss, well he's still my boss... and friend... yeah... anyway.

Animals, they're great. M. Shadows is growing and still as gorgeous as he was when I got him. If I move to where I'd like I'll finally be able to get a large dog like I've always wanted =) The cats are good, the dogs are happy, the turtle has become an overgrown monster but I still love him. All is well in the animal kingdom of my house. Btw, buy me a prairie dog and the chances that I'd marry you will go way, way up... not that I can be bought but really, a prairie dog??? How kick ass.

School, I hate it still but it's one of those things you have to do. I might take a little break from PBA and just spend a semester at PBCC, I'd love to be able to see my cousin more so we'll see.

David Bates is an awesome guy! He made the hospital stay a whole lot easier in a few different ways.

Andre... my boss... deserves the cold shoulder, or silent treatment but I'm already over it... besides, there may be a reason I'm unaware of. At least he called yesterday.

This weekend will be Klein's last performance. It will be showcasing Andrea's choreography which I really look forward to. I've always loved her pieces. I'm going to see if Andre will accompany me to the show...

That's about it for the news of my thrilling life. So with that, good night.

School is almost over. I am about to head into the second to last week of school. I'm still not even sure what is going on for summer. I want to go away but I don't want to leave these people. Anywho... diabetes is kicking my ass by the way. It's been at it for a few months now but it's really put in in high gear the past month. I've lost 15 pounds just in the past month... that is horrible. My doctor ordered some blood work for me to check out a bunch of stuff and some other stuff for the endocrinologist that way I don't have to get work done for each doctor. My cf doctor wants me to get a pump... an insulin pump because I'm still having a lot of difficulty administering insulin for every time I eat. As a cf patient I eat at least 7 times a day and that means 7 times I'm having to stick myself to get insulin. He also gave me Nexium to help with the constant nausea, I think it's working. By the way, I am gauge and facial piercing free. I'm not sure why but I've just felt like it's time to move on from the guaging and facial piercings... at least for now. Hmm, relationships... yeah still not really in one but that's totally ok with me. When and if  we're ever ready we'll make it official. Until then, we'll both continue doing what we want without feeling obligated to one another. That doesn't mean we're going hog wild though... Anyway, life is good. By the way, insecure girlfriends make me laugh just a little. Kelly for example... although sometimes I feel bad because she really does have reason to be insecure. Not really byy her own fault though, she's a beautiful sweet girl but she's got some issues and a boyfriend that strays. Other girls though are funny. Well, I'm going to clean and go to bed. 

first of all, don't be mislead by the title... I have no intentions whatsoever of killing myself. It's just something me and my mother say when I don't take care of myself.

I find myself dying just a little quicker than usual again. I haven't been doing my insulin consistently since January and it's catching up with me. I'm irritable, I've lost weight, it's getting harder to breath every day and my sugars test too high even after fasting. In other words, killing myself the hard way. I'm gonna start my insulin again though and be consistent with it. Hopefully if I do it long enough it'll become a habit and I won't have to put so much focus into doing it. I hate counting carbs though and diving insulin units and testing my sugar constantly, it's so tedious and I hate doing it. Oh well, it's just the shit that's been handed to me that I've got to deal with... I hate being in a bad mood but I can't help it. It's so weird that sugar/insulin levels can alter your mood so drastically and you just have no control over it. I've been sitting on the beach catching my vitamins from the sun... actually I think I'm gonna go continue that. I love living a walk away from the water =) I'll continue this later.

Really, I would like... really, really like to hit the lottery. Yeah, I know, just like every other damn American. I don't want to win because of the money or because I want to buy a big fancy house or cars and whatnot. I just want to win so that I can just live comfortably. I just want to buy a nice little two bedroom place with a nice big backyard with a mango tree and something else I can hang a hammock on. I want to get two puppy Boxers (Zion and Angus) that I can train and raise. I want to just have my house with my snake, my dogs, and my significant other. I want to start a tattoo apprenticeship and then when I get home every day I just want to cook dinner, clean up, go for a walk with the dogs maybe play in the yard with them for a little while. I want my significant other to always have more tattoos than I do... don't ask, it's just something I want. I don't want to have to worry about material shit, and always be stressed about how much money I have or don't have. On weekends I want to go out to the beach with the dogs and my partner or sit together on the hammock watching the dogs play in the yard. Order take out Thai food and play some video games and watch old kung fu movies. When I go to work I don't want to worry about how many people I tatted because some bills are coming due and I need the cash, I just want to be happy with whatever work I did. I have no desire to be in school, I've never had the desire, I hate it and I do not want to finish it. I don't want to have to worry about finishing school, I want to just go over tomorrow and withdraw from all my classes and tell everyone "I'll see you the next time I come in to visit" I love those people in Student Success but I don't want to ever see them again for a school issue. I hardly even want to hear the word school again. Actually I could deal with beauty school though for hair. That's something I pretty much already know and something I could easily learn, and remember. It's learning how to actually "do" something, not just learning "about" something. I don't mind learning how to mix toners to cut the brassy color after bleaching someones hair. I do mind learning the history and different tactics of Persuasion and Interpersonal Communication. I don't mind learning anything about tattooing. It's one of the few things in life I love unconditionally and everything about it. I want to go through the whole "cleaning the shop, making needles, building my own machines" proccess. I think it's exciting. I'm passionate about art and tattoos so I wouldn't mind doing just about anything to become a tattoo artist. I just don't want to be at PBA anymore. Tiffany and Casey are graduating this year... once they're gone, I just don't know. I don't want to be there any more. Danielle will be all PBA has left in females I get along with. I don't want to go to school tomorrow... or any day after. The past three years that I've been in school, all I can think is that I don't belong in school... it's really just not for me. 

I'm buying a lottery ticket tomorrow... or maybe 5. Get that Florida powerball son!

Btw, Brian is on vacation. I told Clark today that I hardly know what I'm going to do with myself all week now and it's only Monday =p

I'm not happy today, at all.

I just can't help but to look back. It's the only relationship that I just can't settle on. Some days I think it was the worst relationship ever but on other days I feel like it had so much potential and could have been amazing but something was just off. Sometimes I only remember the good stuff, like how perfect we were for each other in so many random ways but then I remember how wrong we were for each other in other ways. The fact that I was so upset by what he said that day shows me that some part of me still cares in some way, but no matter what feelings I have for him, a part of me still hates him so much. He's the only guy I've dated who was intentionally hurtful. He's a jack ass and I'm a bitch... and neither of us are gonna change that. Although, I have to admit I've gotten a hell of a lot nicer and a hell of a lot less bitchy in the past few months. He's still a complete jack ass though. Every now and then I miss our petty arguments that would end in some fun sort of aggression, and just chillin out watching movies... I swear I love his brother, he was a cool kid. To this day he's the only guy that could handle my aggression and actually enjoy it to an extent. I remember I punched him once when we were in Ed's room after his tattoo and he grabbed me and held my arms down and bit me or something and Ed just laughed and said we have a "special" relationship. That is one thing, no one was more fun to bite. I'd get a good reaction but he could take it... so many bruises; on both of us. I think if I had felt what I felt at the end of our relationship along with what I felt in the beginning, we would have worked out but it just didn't have time to reach that point. What's in the past is in the past.
(Speaking of Ed, I hope he's gonna be ok =/  ...)

As for the present and most recent past; this evening was awesome. Thai food with Brian, wonderful company, great food and great conversation =) I think I'm gonna get the snake on Wednesday, Brian will be there too of course so it should be fun =) I still have to figure out what I want Brian to do on me... As for the present, I am going to sleep now.

Hedonism... experience it, enjoy it, live it.

Seriously, we shouldn't talk? Why the hell can't you do that with the people you actually shouldn't be talking to. I'm not stressing myself out over this because honestly, I saw it coming a mile away (you may forget, but I know you better than the back of my fucking hand). I know what your priorities are (and you've only proven me right by pulling this bullshit) and I don't have either of them. I've been screwed recently by another close friend already so my heart is hard and quite frankly I don't give a shit if you want to talk or not. I put what I had into our friendship and if you still wanna value everything else over that, then you don't deserve my friendship. As cocky and arrogant as this may sound to you or anyone else, I don't care. Like I said, I'm over your drama. I'm very happy with my life and I'm going to continue being happy if not happier without you in it. At least I'm not going to be stressing over you letting people hurt you and control you, I won't have to stress any more because I care about you so much. You're the last piece of my old life that I couldn't let go of because I cared too damn much, but you did it for me so I guess I should say thank you. I deleted your phone number so don't expect a phone call or text any time, don't try messaging me, it won't work. You said we shouldn't talk so I'm holding you to your word.


In other news: Today was fantastic. Got to Paradise around 4 or 5 hung out with Brian. We read some interesting poetry by Rumi. Then the unexpected part was the little after party next door. Mojo had some Sorrel so he gave me some since he knew I liked it. There was a girl there who was on vacation and she was definitely taking advantage of being so far away from home, you would have had to see it. There was dancing, pictures, drinking, and makeshift instruments... it was very fun =)

I look forward to tomorrow too =)

So yesterday I talked to two ex's. Rocco sent me that ridiculous text message... I think he was just bored and wanted to piss me off and start drama. I still have no idea what the hell he was talking about though. (btw, I'm wearing his pants right now haha). You know, I think the two of us had something truly unique... but being "unique" is not enough to keep two people together. He's too childish and I'm too much of a bitch. I'm working on the bitchy thing but I highly doubt he's grown up a day past what he was when we were together... actually I know he hasn't grown up at all, that text message says it all. If I'm right about who his girlfriend is then I think that'll work, someone more in his mental age group... although even she may be too old for him. (btw, don't take this as me hating on the girl, I actually don't mind her, I thought she was nice). Cynthia keeps telling me I should talk to him, like really talk to him about a few important things but I'm not concerned enough to waste my time in doing so. Occassionally I do think he needs to know a few things... he kinda has the right to know at least one thing, but why waste my time? I have no problem being selfish in this area. I'm not going to waste my breath on him whether he needs to anything or not.

Cuba called me last night too. I said I was going to sleep (which I was actually) so he was just like ok well call me back when you can... I'm so not calling him back. I was 15, 16 and 17 when I was dating him and he still calls me. ??? I think me and him had the most functional relationship. Actually no we didn't... I don't know what we had but it worked for a very long time until I got fed up with how much of a controlling person he was... and the drugs were beginning to be a problem

Miss. Charlyne was asking me about Casey the other day so I explained to her the last act he pulled when he was here... she completely agrees with me on never talking to him again. I wish I could really honestly believe myself when I say I never want to see him again but I know the next time he's home, I'll want to see him just like every time. I don't want to be with him, I just want to see him and be around him... I don't know why. I guess I just can't get that close to someone and just cut them off entirely. I've still yet to meet someone that can read me like he does, he actually paid attention to the little details and tell tale signs of what I was really thinking. Every time May 21st rolls around I still can't believe how close we were to getting married. 

Any way, enough of that...

Monday should be interesting... and I'm so not telling why. Seriously though, I'm really interested to see how things go. Well, I have homework due tomorrow that I need to finish.

German/Italian...

Tattooed...

Metal...

Gauges...

and so much more. I see a trend here. Is it third times a charm or three strikes and you're out? Who knows, who cares; I'm over it all... well except for one kinda but that's a long story for another time. Seriously though, the same major problem... I'm sick so I isolate to try to rest and feel better and all the sudden I'm being accused of some bullshit. Guess what people, I get sick often so get used to it. It's not something I can change or avoid so quit expecting me to. If you're not someone I can bring home to ma, then don't expect to see me when I'm sick because guess where I go when I'm sick... my mother's house. The Latino bastard has been the first and only one to understand this concept; both me being sick and literally exhausted and the whole "be someone I can bring home to my parents" thing. How is it that the biggest idiot I've ever dated was able to grasp this concept so much more easily than every other guy I've talked to or dated? My female friends are able to understand this as well, so what's the problem? I'm just in a pissy mood now. I've been pissed off about a certain situation the past few days and I still have no clue what to do about it, I'm pissed off about being sick, today sucked for the most part and now I'm agitated by this new situation. I have a busy day tomorrow, I'm going to sleep now.

and it's guys like him that makes me turn to a girl like her.

Don't ever think for a second that same sex relationships are easier because you have more in common or you're the same gender so you'll understand each other better. That's bull. Go for who you want, don't just do what you think is easier. There is no such thing as "they're all the same". No one is the same, guys have their pros and cons just as girls do. Don't go for same sex relationships because it's trendy, it's unique, it grabs attention, or whatever other lame excuses out there. Like I said, do it because you genuinely want the person no matter what gender the two of you are.

Sorry but this little rant spawned from some stupid high school girls I encountered today. 

So today made me feel really special, even though it wasn't under the best circumstances. I won't elaborate on this... or my other blog since it's not my place to discuss. But basically, I'm glad she felt she could confide in me. It makes me feel useful; and if you know anything about me, you know my dire need to feel like I'm helping someone or being useful. I love her so much, I could not have been introduced to a better person :)

So Monday should be wonderful. I'm going to see Showdown and Trivium at Culture Room, yay! Showdown is always fun, I like those guys a lot. School is going well so far. It's still the first week but the first week is already almost over... wow. This semester is gonna go by so fast I can see it already. Tonight I need to sit down and make a real schedule that I can easily follow for my assignments to make sure I get everything done on time. I already have a journal entry due for my Interpersonal Communication class on Monday.

So when I was up in Port St. Lucie for the New Year me and Megan of course talked about our summer plans again. We even touched on the subject of moving in together long term. The main reason I'm so into our summer plans is because we are going to be getting away... far away from Florida. For the past year that's all I've wanted to do, get the hell away from Florida. I haven't had a reason to stay here, I just keep getting more reasons to get away. Why can't just one person walk in to my life and make me want to stay? Each person I get involved with just makes me want to move 100 miles farther from here. We're planning to either go to New York or South Carolina. In NY she's got an internship that will pay our housing and whatnot but if we go to South Carolina we would probably stay with family. She had mentioned Ohio but I talked her right out of that.  I'm sorry but I currently have no desire to go to Ohio. I'm just really frustrated right now I guess...

So let me tell you about my New Years. After I hung out with Cyndi, James and then Chris I went home at like 2. I sat at home for a little while then Megan called me and convinced me to drive out to her. So I went out to PSL at about 4 a.m. We went to Joey's house to spend the night. Then in the morning we went back to her house and opened presents, then Meg, Camilla and I went out shopping and then to the Ramos' . We were there for a long ass time before we went to Outback. Joey and Chris sat with us since they were both working. Later we went to Fabrizio's to watch a movie with him, Joey, Chris, and Chad. After we chilled for a while after the movie we went to Camilla's to sleep. Camilla went to work but the rest of us went out to eat for breakfast. We just hung out for the day. Megan wanted to get her belly pierced and I wanted to get a tattoo but niether of us actually did it... we ended up just hanging out pretty much. I might buy a '71 Mustang off this one guy I met out there though which is a huge bonus. Me and my dad are gonna take a look at it and then decide if we want it or not.

Btw, I'm in a pissy ass mood today.

So the night of New Years I was having a conversation with a friend. Well during this conversation, a few things about my ridiculous past came up. The things that were mentioned were habits or events from my past that I'm truly not proud of. (It was hardly the first conversation I wanted to have with him to bring in the New Year but oh well). Any one who knows me knows that I had one year of my life where everything just went crazy... including me. There were girls, there were clubs, there was alcohol, and a whole lot of trouble. While  I am not proud of that year... I'm not exactly ashamed of it and honestly I don't think I would change it. I learned a lot about myself and life in such a short amount of time. I learned a lot of things and went through a lot of things that usually I would have been struggling with now. Instead though, I'm already past that stage and I'm really able to focus on these important years of my life now. I'm able to focus on school, real friendships and relationships, my future career, and if I felt like it, even dating. If I ever tell you about my past... I probably wished I never told you about five minutes after. I don't want to hide my life but I certainly don't want people judging my character or who I might be today by who I was then. I'm not like that and I have no intentions of ever being like that again. I loved to drink but now I would barely touch a glass of wine. I used to smoke but now I rarely even have a lighter in the house. I used to be a shot girl, now I never set foot in clubs of any type. I had been engaged twice, now I would rather not even toy with the word dating. I am a very different person. I have different goals, different priorities and different interests. Who I was then might sound way more fun, outgoing and interesting but that's not how I want to be. If that's how you want me to be though, you missed it by a few years. So either get used to who I am now or go find someone else. I hate when I start talking about my past and all the sudden people get so interested and start asking fifty million questions and then start to treat me like that's how I am now. Yeah some of the stories might be "juicy" and interesting but I hate talking about it.  Like I said, I'm not proud of it and just because I'm not ashamed of it doesn't mean I want to tell the whole world either. Alright well that's my bit for now. Good night.